3 Types of Help To Seek After Betrayal
I know from lived experience, that betrayal in a marriage/partnership can act like a bomb and explode so much of your life and reality. I remember the moment like it was yesterday. One minute, I was sitting on my bed, watching a tv show. I even remember the scene. The next minute, my world was completely turned upside down and I felt permanently confused and shocked for months. That disclosure is a haunting memory that I will never forget. But now, I can use the benefit of hindsight to really look back on my experience and evaluate what would have helped in the time following the disclosure (or for some, discovery), and what advice would have really benefitted me at that time.
I'm going to share here 3 types of help that you may want to seek after betrayal. In writing this, I come from the perspective that YOU MUST be centered in your journey moving forward. By that, I mean that there may be people who want to project their opinions onto you, and it actually has nothing to do with you. So. You have to be extremely selective and careful about your own healing process, and how you want to categorize the help that you need. I'll explain more below.
Friends and family are crucial parts of our support network. We are all hard wired for connection as human beings, which means that it is very tempting to rely on our friends and family to connect with us during such a difficult time. I want to express that I understand everyone's support network looks differently. Some people have bigger networks than others, and some people have healthier, more functional networks than others. For me, I learned very quickly that only a few friends and family members were to be completely trusted in helping my emotional path forward. I trusted my sister completely, and I really heeded her advice. But my parents? Though they are my very favorite people, they were throwing up some red flags that informed me I had to be careful of acting on everything they said. Same with my friends. I wish I would have asked my support network not so much for emotional guidance, but for practical help. I could barely eat or sleep, and I wish I had asked them to help me clean up my house, or walk my dog. Maybe bring over a dinner here and there if they wouldn't mind. But I didn't do any of that because I didn't want to burden people. I wish I had asked my friends to spend a few days at the beach with me, not to help me figure anything out, but just to accompany me in taking space from my situation. I never took that space, and it is a major regret.
Seek a licensed mental health professional for trauma work. Don't underestimate the powerful trauma that can ensue after betrayal. It can indeed cause PTSD, anxiety, depression, lowered self-esteem, and plenty else. The effects that different types of therapies can truly be life changing. EMDR and Brainspotting are two really effective and interesting techniques to help work through traumatic events. I'll share more on my experience with Brainspotting on a later post. Unfortunately, not everyone has the financial ability to access this resource. It is not a replacement, but it is possible to gleam wonderful pieces of wisdom from the social media accounts of therapists. That is free, and it can provide some helpful tips.
Find a coach (hi!) that will help you with holistic healing. As a coach, it is my goal to not necessarily focus on the psychology of what has happened to you, but rather create goals and action based plans with a limitless creative outlook. I want to help you look at the larger spiritual picture of your life, the gifts you bring to the table, your energies, and using techniques to shift your mindset surrounding any limiting beliefs that you feel are holding you back. Unleashing your shine, as bright as possible, is the goal here. I also want to use my lived experience to help others feel less alone, and to show clients that it IS possible to be okay, to even THRIVE! Relating to someone with similar lived experience and seeing the possibilities of your own future, can allow someone to feel very hopeful. I hope to bring that to the table for my clients.
I have said it once and I will say it again: no one can go through the aftermath of betrayal on their own. It requires a lot of different types of help. I'm a big believer in being open minded to all sorts of different healing modalities. Whether that is talk therapy, community support groups (contact me for information on these!), plant medicine, a night out with friends, art expression, meditation, movement, dance, coaching, breathwork, aromatherapy-- anything and everything that calls to you is something that is worth exploring.
Xo,
Annabelle