Let’s talk about revenge after infidelity
Dear Reader,
If you have been betrayed by someone who you're in a relationship with, you may feel a strong urge to enact revenge on them and anyone else who participated in traumatizing you. Maybe you've seen my Tiktok videos where I speak about revenge fantasies, as there are several. This topic is massively underrepresented, in my opinion, when discussing infidelity.
If someone is cheated on, by societal standards they are expected to instantly leave that person/relationship, level up their life by working out and buying a whole new wardrobe, and easily finding love again with a new and better person. And if this is what happened to you, then that is incredible! But for most people, it isn't. There is more nuance and complexity in the aftermath of infidelity that unless you've gone through it, you might not truly realize. Most will be forced to wrestle with a thick layer of shock and confusion descends upon them, with a whole array of new feelings that they have never felt before. Revenge is often one of them.
For me, I have never considered myself to be a violent or vengeful person. So when I found myself having intense fantasies about physically, mentally, and even professionally, hurting people who had wronged me, it was a side of myself that upset and further confused me. It takes a lot of restraint to not act upon those very real feelings. And sometimes, that restraint is not taught or explained to us, so we end up doing things we can regret later on. On the other hand, not acting on these revenge fantasies can feel like we are just having to swallow this huge lump of anger every day, and function as if everything were normal, and as if our world was not just upended completely without any warning. It's an impossibly difficult situation to be forced into. You didn't ask for this, and now you're having to deal with a whole other side of yourself that you never met before.
Revenge fantasies are a truthful part of your experience after being traumatized and deeply wronged. You aren't wrong or weird for having them. That said, there isn't a whole lot I can say to explain how to make them go away. I think giving yourself the permission to explore them in your mind is a good thing, while also promising yourself that you will not act on them. I can tell you as someone who had intense, violent scenarios in their mind- it is something I am so proud of myself for not acting on. I am a bigger person than those who wronged me, and I refuse to stoop to their level. I know that while I was deeply hurt, I will be able to sleep at night because I chose to invest in what makes me better, and not what makes me even.
Xo,
Annabelle